


Amnesia

by Capstar98



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Amnesia Jim, Angst, Gen, Hurt Jim, Hurt/Comfort, Protective Bones, Protective Spock
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-30 03:24:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12645171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Capstar98/pseuds/Capstar98
Summary: The most difficult circumstances sometimes come out of the smallest things... and now Bones might never get his friend back.





	1. Chapter 1

"Jim! Watch out!" Kirk heard Bones call frantically. He barely had time to turn around before something hit him on the head, hard.

His thoughts scattered and he fell to the ground in a heap, his already bruised head striking the ground. He tried to move but his limbs didn't seem to be listening to him. His vision was blurry but he could see blue rushing towards him.

Bones. Bones would make it better. He always made it better.

The blue stopped beside him and Jim felt hands on his face. His eyes kept losing focus and he couldn't keep his lids open much longer. He could hear voices, but couldn't make out what they were saying, like he was underwater.

A sudden sting on his face and a subsequent pinch in his neck brought him back, and he immediately groaned, feeling the harsh pain in his head. He moved his hands up to press it away but they didn't make it half way before being held down.

Jim squirmed, his face contorted to try and control the pain. He could feel the darkness encroaching on his vision again, and this time he could resist it. Despite the panicked calls to stay awake floating above him, he lost the fight and descended into the black.

\--------------------------------------------

McCoy sat back in hair and rubbed a hand over his face, absently noticing the thick stubble on his cheeks. It had been four days. Four days since a falling rock had struck his best friend on the head and left him fighting for his life. Well, not exactly. Jim was alive, and going to stay that way for the foreseeable future, but it wasn't a life if he wasn't awake for it.

Scans showed minimal damage, but the brain was a fickle thing. No one knew if Jim would have any lasting effects, or whether he would wake up at all.

McCoy felt his throat swell as he thought about it, and he rubbed at his eyes. Jim was waking up. He always survived, healthy and whole, somehow – and this wasn't going to be the exception. However, there wasn't much they could do at this point besides wait.

And it was killing him.

He hadn't gotten more than a few hours' sleep in the past four days, and he knew Spock hadn't either. In fact, the entire command crew was incredibly worried. It was disconcerting to them to see McCoy doing nothing as Jim still lay there, and even more disconcerting to see Jim himself lie so still.

The doctor leaned forward onto his elbows and grabbed one of Jim's hands. "Come on, Jim. Wake up, already," he begged.

Another half an hour passed that way, and just as McCoy was about to turn back to his work, he stiffened, his eyes widening.

The monitor showed an increased heart rate, and McCoy could have sworn he felt fingers moving beneath his hand.

"Jim?" He stood and looked closely at Jim's face. The eyelids flickered, and McCoy could've cried from relief. "Jim!" he exclaimed, a hand flying to brush back his friend's golden hair. Then his eyes opened, and McCoy was met with the blue he thought he might never see again.

Jim's brows contracted, a confused look coming over his features. He started squirming, fighting to sit up and brushing off McCoy's hands as his heart rate increased.

"Jim, calm down. You're in sickbay. Your head was hit but you'll be fine. Just calm down for me."

But Jim didn't calm down. As he gained control of his consciousness his eyes continually flitted around, never laying on anything for more than a second, and he tried to get up and out of his bed. McCoy pushed him back and the captain's eyes finally landed on him. McCoy was blown away by the uncertainty in them, but it wasn't as if he had never dealt with this side of Jim before.

"Jim, it's okay. You're in sickbay." McCoy was relieved when the heart rate slowed on the monitor and Jim lay back in his bed.

"Thirsty," he heard Jim mumble, and stuffed a cup of water in his friend's hands.

He sat down in the chair again. "How do you feel? If your head hurts we can get you something for it."

"No, I feel fine," Jim responded.

"What do you remember?"

Jim frowned, shaking his head. "I don't know. What happened to me?"

"You got hit by a falling rock. Pretty sizable one too, and then hit your head again when you fell." He shook his head. "You should've worn a helmet or something – we've all been really worried. You've been out for four days."

Jim sputtered. "Four days!? Wow." His eyes glanced around. "So… where am, I doc? Somewhere with rocks, I'm guessing."

McCoy frowned. Something wasn't right here. "Uh… bed thirteen?"

"Not really what I meant." Jim's features tightened and his breathing increased. "I don't remember… I – what planet am I on?"

McCoy himself was starting to freak out a little bit. "You're on the Enterprise, kid. In sickbay." He paused. "I swear if you're just pulling my leg here I'm gonna kill you." His anxiety increased as Jim continued to look frustrated with his lack of memories.

"The Enterprise… " He looked down at McCoy's uniform. "Starfleet?"

McCoy stood abruptly. "What's the last thing you remember?" he asked frantically.

"Uh… I was on Risa recently… I think." That was true – they had been to Risa for shore leave. "I was leaving for Iowa?" Jim clenched his fists. "I don't remember!" Iowa?

McCoy froze and he spoke to his friend with a level voice. "What's your name and rank?"

"James T Kirk, and – I – rank? I don't know." His heart rate continued to increase. "Is that bad?"

McCoy fought to keep his face neutral and ignored the question. "Do you know who I am?"

"You're my doctor, aren't you?"

And damn it all, but he couldn't stay there a moment longer. Without saying another word McCoy turned and walked back to his office, leaving Jim in confused uncertainty behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

"He doesn't know where he is, goddamnit! Aren't you listening to me?" McCoy growled as he paced the floor in his office. Spock sat in a chair in front of him, and though he looked outwardly calm, there was a crease in his brow and tension in his shoulders. "The last thing he remembers is leaving to go to Iowa, which was right before Pike picked him up and he went to Starfleet! He doesn't remember us at all." He finished quietly, stealing a glance over to Jim's biobed. The man in question was asleep again; unaware of the stress he was giving his friends right now.

"What do you propose we do, doctor?" Spock asked, his fists clenching.

McCoy shook his head. "Well, our only hope is that this could be temporary. I think the best thing to do would be to talk to him, tell him about Enterprise, get the bridge crew down here to see him, and –" he broke off, swallowing roughly before collapsing in his desk chair, his hands over his eyes. "I just – I can't do this without him, Spock."

Spock looked over at Jim, the worry in his face increasing as well. "I feel the same," he replied.

The whole reason McCoy had gone into the black in the first place was to follow his idiot of a best friend and make sure he didn't… well, to make sure nothing like this happened. And look how that had turned out. Not only had he not done his job, but if Jim never got his memory back, what would happen to their friendship? He had worked so hard and for so long to get Jim Kirk to trust him. With Jim's mind back to a pre-Starfleet state, all of that would be lost.

They had to get his memory back.

An hour later Jim was awake again, and McCoy walked in to see him trying to sit up and get out of bed.

"Oh no you don't!" McCoy shouted, grabbing the shoulder of his captain and pushing him back on the bed. "You're not goin' anywhere until we've got everything sorted. You might feel okay now, but that's just all the drugs and your damned stubbornness."

Jim turned to him, annoyance flickering in his eyes. "Then will you tell me what the hell's going on? Was I drugged or something? Why am I on a ship a thousand klicks from the nearest planet?"

McCoy shook his head. "It's a bit complicated, Jim."

"Bullshit it's complicated. Give me the truth."

"The truth's not something you're gonna warm up to easily. What did you say was the last thing you remember?"

"Spending the night on Risa. I caught a shuttle to get back to Earth, but I don't remember ever getting there."

McCoy nodded. So nothing new had come back yet. "Okay. I'm gonna show you some pictures, and you tell me what they are."

"Seriously?" Jim said incredulously.

McCoy ignored him and held up a picture. "What's this?"

Jim stared at him. "We're really doing this?"

"Damn straight! Now give me an answer!"

"A house."

Another picture.

"Dog."

Another.

"Wow that one looks like you!"

It was a picture of an old man with a walking stick. At least he hadn't lost his sense of humor.

McCoy put the cards away. "Alright, enough of that. Here, follow my finger with your eyes." Jim just scowled down at the covers. "Listen, man, if you don't do it I'll be forced to put you through even more tests." Reluctantly, Jim looked up and followed his finger.

"Am I good?" Jim growled when McCoy finished. "I'm not really a big fan of hospitals. I'd like to get out of here as soon as possible." His eyes flashed up at McCoy and then to the door, and his fingers twitched on the bed.

McCoy sighed as looked down at his friend. For the past few minutes, as he tested his friend, it was almost as if nothing was wrong. Jim and McCoy talked that way all the time. It was Jim's true discomfort that bothered McCoy the most. He could tell that Jim wanted out badly. He didn't know this place – didn't know his history with it, and didn't know that he was truly safe here. Not that he had ever really liked Sickbay, but he had never quite had that cornered look in his eye before.

McCoy pulled up a chair and sat next to the bed. "Look, Jim, there's something I haven't told you."

"Yeah, I figured." Jim looked at him out of the corner of his eye. "Do we know each other or something? You keep calling me Jim."

McCoy's heart twisted a little in his chest. "Yeah, we know each other."

Jim's face faltered. "How well?"

He bit the inside of his cheek. "I met you six years ago on the shuttle from Riverside to San Francisco. You're my best friend. My brother."

The cornered look was back in full force. "What are you talking about?"

"You did go to Iowa, but you didn't stay there for long. Christopher Pike recruited you out of a bar. You spent the next three years at Starfleet Academy, and the years after that as the Captain of this ship, the USS Enterprise."

Jim had gone very pale. "You're shitting me. Please tell me you're fucking with me."

McCoy rubbed a hand through his hair, weary. "I'm not fucking with you."

Faster than McCoy could stop, Jim leapt out of his bed and grabbed the nearest PADD. He opened it and was met with the date.

Leonard watched as Jim gripped the table, his knuckles turning white, his back heaving with gasps. He walked up to the younger man slowly and put a hand on his shoulder. "Jim, calm down. We'll figure this out."

"Get the fuck off me!" Jim flinched away from his touch. McCoy's heart tugged. Jim hadn't flinched like that in a long time. But he was stressed out right now, and confused. In Jim's head, he didn't know who McCoy was, and as much as it hurt him to do it, he needed to give the kid some space. He wasn't helping things by being so touchy. His hand clenched into a fist at his side.

Jim stared at the date on the PADD for a minute before turning to him and looking him in the eye, his face pale. "What the fuck," he breathed, his voice breaking. "What the fuck. This can't be real. This kinda shit doesn't happen in real life. No … No."

Leonard just looked at him sadly.

Jim's hand went up and grasped his hair, and he shuddered as he took a deep breath. "Okay. Nope, this is a hoax. I remember everything before waking up here. My whole life. If I had some kind of traumatic brain injury, it wouldn't happen like that would it? Something must have happened – something must have happened on the shuttle back to Earth. Right?" He looked at McCoy desperately, but the doctor just shook his head.

"I'm not trying to mess with you, Jim. What I said is all true."

Jim took another deep breath. "Well, good. Cause I'd have told you you're a fucking shitty comedian."

McCoy smiled in spite of himself, but his smile fell again as Jim groaned and reached for his head.

"I know you're confused, but standing isn't gonna help you any," he remarked as he pushed Jim gently back to the biobed. "You need rest if your brain's gonna recover from this."

Jim laid down, nodding absently, then turned back to him. "I thought that sleeping was bad for head injuries."

"On the contrary," he responded. He continued when Jim still looked suspicious, "I told you I'm not pulling one over on you. Now who's the doctor here?"

Scowling, but resigned, Jim pulled the covers up and over him. His eyes started to twitch around again though, as he remembered he didn't know anything about where he was.

"You might not believe me, but you're safe here," McCoy said, trying to get him to relax. He sighed. "Do you want a sedative to help you sleep?"

"No!" Jim responded, a little too quickly. "I mean, no. I'm fine. And anyways, I'm allergic to everything."

"You'll find that I'm pretty well versed in your allergies."

Jim's eyes narrowed a little, then he nodded. "Right. Six years." His gaze turned off into the middle distance. "Fuck. I can't believe this. How could I forget six years of my life? You sure you're not shitting me?"

"I'm sure."

Contemplating this, he said, "Huh. I didn't know I could keep a guy around me for that long." He gave a huff of a laugh, but McCoy's chest just compressed at the words. "You must be either stubborn, or stupid."

Leonard quirked a brow. "A little bit of both, I'd say. Now get to sleep. You need it."

"Aye, aye, captain," Jim finished as he waved him off with a mock salute.


	3. Chapter 3

Spock noticed the doctor's jaw twitching as he approached him. He had been in the science labs for the past few hours, but having heard that the captain was awake again, had returned to sickbay to hear McCoy's thoughts. As per usual, they were chaotic and profane.

"He's a fuckin' clean slate, Spock." He shook his head. "It's like getting in a time machine."

"Has he remembered anything new?" Spock inquired.

"Nope. Just the shuttle he took from Risa. And his brain's working fire otherwise - all the tests I ran him through show him as mentally cognizant." McCoy took a seat behind his desk. "He's still got some residual headache and nausea, but that's hardly a surprise. The bruise on the skin, let alone the brain, is enough to give him discomfort. I'll have to run him through a dermal stimulator one more time to heal the rest of that."

Spock nodded. "When do you think we should reintroduce him to the crew?"

"Well, I just told him he's forgotten six years of his life," McCoy sighed. "He didn't take it too well. He probably still thinks I'm pulling a fast one."

"'Pulling a fast one,' doctor?"

McCoy rolled his eyes. "Don't pretend like you don't know what I mean." Spock raised an eyebrow. "Anyways, I think we should take it slow. We'll give him a day to rest, and then start bringing people in one at a time. We can start with you."

"And you think this will help him remember?"

"It certainly can't hurt anything. But we can hope that seeing all these familiar faces might trigger some memories."

Spock looked at him. "He remembers nothing of you?"

McCoy's feathers tightened, and he looked down at his desk. "All he really understands right now if that I'm his doctor."

Spock's eyebrows contracted. "He will remember," he said with a certainty he did not quite feel.

McCoy just nodded.

Spock looked up and through the window of the office, which was partly covered with a shade, toward's Jim's biobed. It was empty.

"Doctor, did you move Jim to a different bed?" he asked slowly.

McCoy frowned. "No. What're you -" he looked over at the bed himself and stood up sharply. "Oh, goddamnit. He's out of bed again." The doctor moved quickly out of his office and over to the empty biobed, Spock close behind. "Jim, what did I tell you? Get back -" his voice cut off as he looked around and realized that Jim was nowhere to be found. "Oh, damn it."

"He has left sickbay."

"No shit, Spock!"

Spock raised an eyebrow. "To be frank, doctor, we should have anticipated this."

"I did! I programmed the doors to alarm if he stepped through them!"

"Well, he seems to have worked around that."

"Oh, really? Thanks, Spock, I couldn't tell."

"I will alert security."

"You do that," McCoy snapped, and though he sounded angry, Spock could detect a current of panic sweeping through him. "Tell them to search the Jefferies tubes, too," he added. "Jim grew up on space ships, he knows his way around these things even if he doesn't remember the Enterprise."

\------------------------------------------

Jim wasn't upset, necessarily - just annoyed, and damn confused. None of this made any sense. Starfleet? Come on! There was no way in hell he would join Starfleet, bot after what they'd done to him. He was going to need more proof before he started believing any of this. And either way, he needed out of this hospital bed.

At first, he thought there would never be an open moment. His doctor seemed to be insanely paranoid and kept checking up on him constantly. Even if he wasn't directly beside his bed, he was hovering in the distance, or looking up through his office window. So, when the doctor was finally distracted by someone else who had shown up to talk to him - a Vulcan, by the looks of him - he seized the opportunity immediately.

He made sure not to walk out through the front doors - surely McCoy would be alerted if he did that - and instead pulled himself up into a Jefferies tube. He had no idea where he was in relation to the rest of the ship, or even how big the ship was, but he wasn't new to this sort of thing. He and Sam used to slip away through Jefferies tubes as kids, and he had been working on ships on and off for the past several years.

He started climbing, passing up the first, second, and third possible exits before taking a turn and creeping out into the hallway. He spotted a computer system down the hall and ran towards it, ignoring how the bright lights made his head throb. The system was a little more advanced than he was used to, which he supposed added to the theory that he had forgotten years of his life, but then again it could just be that the last time he had been on an actual regulation Starfleet ship was almost ten years ago.

Looking both ways to make sure no one else was around, he started typing away. He looked up his own name, and sure enough, there was his profile: James T Kirk, captain of the USS Enterprise. And shit - he looked fucking official. He almost looked like his - he almost looked like George Kirk. Hair combed back, neat uniform, and the medals - he'd won a medal of honor? Well that did it. No fucking way was this possible.

He left his profile behind and pulled up a schematic of the ship. Damn, this thing was huge! He had gone up three floors and there were another twenty three above him in this section of the ship. He quickly located an evacuation point with escape pods, just in case he should need it, and then found where his allotted quarters were. Ten floors up and down a long series of corridors. Great.

Jim heard footsteps down the hall and quickly closed everything and darted back to the Jefferies tube. His head was killing him, and as he pulled himself back into the tube, black spots danced in front of his vision for a moment. He took a deep breath and began to climb.

God, he was weaker than he remembered. He started panting as he made his way up the ladders, and the headache sure as hell didn't let up. He took the tubes as far as he could, then peaked his head out to look around. Thank god people seemed to be busy at the moment, and no one was wondering the halls. He darted down several corridors before he made it to the right door.

Then there was the problem of opening it. And as he worked at the code for the lock on the door, he knew that he had made it himself. He actually had to work at it in order to figure it out, though one section that he recognized helped him crack the rest of it. So, he had configured the lock for this door. Another point for the star ship captain theory.

He entered the room and saw trademarks of his own living style reflected back at him. Books arranged in alphabetical order, bed neatly made - and that's when he saw the pictures on the dresser, and his heart froze. There was one of him and the doctor McCoy standing in front of a distinguished looking building, both wearing cadet reds and wide grins, their arms around each other's shoulders. Another one showed him and the Vulcan he had seen in the doctor's office, along with a curly haired kid and an attractive woman with a long pony tail.

Finally, he spotted a small one in the corner. He picked it up and stared at the worn photo. It was him and Sam, the two of them sitting beneath a tree on the farm in Iowa. The same picture he carried around with him. His hand went for his pocket to pull it out, but then he remembered he was wearing hospital garb.

The pain in his head was ratcheting up and up by the second, and he was blinking back those black dots again as he turned his attention back to the picture of him and McCoy. It was incredibly strange to see himself in a photo that he didn't remember being taken, looking very familiar with someone that he didn't remember. As he looked at his smiling face, he felt a familiar, embarassing longing. He wished that he were close enough with anyone to be that happy around them. And apparently, he was. He searched through his mind, trying to come up with something - anything that would lead him to believe that he and this man were friends - or brothers, as McCoy claimed.

Nothing. Frustrated, he shoved those thoughts out of his mind and slapped the photo he was holding back onto the dresser. This was fucking insane!

Suddenly, through the open door he could hear voices from down the hall.

Shit! How could he have been so stupid? His heart racing, he sped out into the corridor, running away from the sound of voices and towards a Jefferies tube - hopefully. After a few turns he saw one at the end of his line of sight. He ran towards it, his heart in his chest. And right as he was opening it, a security team, led by the Vulcan he had seen in sickbay, turned the corner. The Vulcan's eyes widened, and though Jim didn't stop moving, he couldn't help but feel surprised. Was that emotion? From a Vulcan?

\--------------------------------------------

"Stop!" Spock yelled. He knew that it would be ineffective, and yet still felt the need to shout it. Jim predictably did not heed him, and instead finished crawling into the tube. Spock pulled out his communicator and contacted the other security team. "Team 2, the captain has been located on the 14th floor entering the Jefferies tubes. Split your team between the tubes and the hallway. Team 1 is in pursuit from the opposite direction."

Without waiting for a response, he raced towards the open Jefferies tube and pulled himself in. He could hear Jim's quick footsteps ahead of him, and headed after the noise. It was strange to be chasing down his captain. The search for him was nothing new - Jim would, in times of emotional distress, disconnect his signature from the computer in order to be alone. But to have to corner him was something new.

He turned the corner to see Jim holding onto the ladder and headed downwards. His head turned downwards and he stopped, apparently seeing someone coming up towards him. Jim's head turned to look down the tube before snapping up to look him in the eye. He looked terrible, his eyes wide and dazed, and his skin pale. And it took his breath away to see no look of recognition in those eyes. They needed to get him back to sickbay before he further injured himself.

"Jim, stop," he said, softly but forcefully. "We are not trying to harm you. Come with us back to sickbay. You have suffered a serious injury, and need to recover properly."

Jim looked cornered, his eyes filling with panic. "Get the hell away from me!"

"As I said, we are not trying to harm you, but you are surrounded. We will wait as long as necessary to ensure you return to sickbay with us," Spock responded patiently.

The captain's breathing picked up, and as his head snapped back and forth between the people surrounding him, his face lost what color it had. And a moment before it happened Spock knew. He moved forwards quickly, but it was not enough.

Jim's eyes fluttered shut as he feinted, his hands slipping from the rail.


	4. Chapter 4

Jim's little theatrics had earned him a fractured wrist and another CT scan. Spock had come running into sickbay, white as a sheet and convinced (though said in his own precocious wording) that Jim had further injured his brain. But the scans proved that it was Jim overworking his body, and not a brain bleed, that had caused him to pass out.

McCoy had just started the osteo-stimulator for another round when he saw Jim's eyes flickering open. And while he knew the odds, he couldn't help but hope that as Jim woke up again he would remember everything.

"Hey Jim. Welcome back to sickbay. I hope you're happy - you've gotten yourself a nice little adventure out of this, haven't you?"

Jim blinked, clearing the haze from his eyes. "What happened?" He asked slowly.

McCoy frowned. "Try and remember for yourself. You didn't hit your head again so if you've really forgotten you're in for a world of tests."

A pause, then: "Did I really win the Medal of Honor?"

McCoy rolled his eyes, but inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. At least they weren't dealing with another lapse in memory. "Yeah. That was about three years ago." It felt weird to mention it to him – and not just because he couldn't remember it. Jim was kind of touchy about the subject, and believed he didn't deserve it. McCoy had argued with him about it a few times, but had eventually let the matter lie. You had to pick your battles.

Jim moved so that he was sitting upright. "What the hell did I do to get that?"

McCoy blinked. Even though he knew that the past would have to be rehashed, he hadn't thought about how exactly he was going to tell the story. "I'll have to give you the log about it. But basically, the ship that destroyed the USS Kelvin reappeared, and you were able to figure out what was going on and played Russian roulette with your life a few times before saving the planet. And try not to move your arm, will ya?"

The doctor looked up from the osteo-stimulator to see that his friend's face had gone quite pale, and the heart rate monitor picked up a bit.

"Did you say the USS Kelvin?" Jim bit out.

Shit. He had forgotten how taboo the subject of George Kirk was to Jim before he joined Starfleet. "Yeah," he said slowly, "you used what you knew about the attack to keep the Enterprise from being smashed to bits."

Jim blinked, composing himself, and then a frown came over his face. "How the hell did this happen?"

"You got hit in the head by a rock."

Jim shot him a look of disbelief. "First of all, let me just say that's dumbest way to have lost six years of my life. Second, that's not what I was asking."

Leonard sat down in the chair next to the biobed. "What do you mean, then?"

"What I'm asking is how did I end up here? I mean – Starfleet? It's impossible. The 'fleet and I are not exactly best friends."

"Pike only got you to join on a dare, as I recall. It would have been not long after you took that shuttle back to earth from Risa. And really, you and Starfleet are still not best buddies."

Jim frowned. "You said Pike – you mean Captain Christopher Pike?"

McCoy nodded.

"Well, can I talk to him? I – I know him. No offence, but it'd be nice to see a familiar face."

Goddamnit he really had to watch what he said. He took a deep breath, and his face softened. "Jim, I'm sorry, but Pike's dead. He died two years ago."

Jim went very still, and McCoy couldn't stop the feeling of helplessness that came over him. So much had happened to Jim in the last six years, and obviously not all of it was good. He felt a sense of dread thinking about the other horrors that would have to be sprung on the younger man.

"Jim, I –"

"Don't. It figures." He glared at the floor. "Not like he would've been much help anyways."

"Don't say that. I know how much Pike meant to you."

Jim spun his gaze to McCoy. "And how the fuck do you know so much? I don't know you!"

Leonard knew that Jim was just deflecting, but it still struck him to hear that. "Believe it or not, when you're friends with someone for six years you tend to learn some things about them."

"I must have had a stroke or something to have that kind of lapse in judgement. Why would I tell you anything?" Beneath the anger McCoy could see the actual confusion. Jim was incredibly slow to trust, even now, and when he started at the Academy it had taken him a good six months for Leonard to even start getting any details about his past.

Feeling drained, he went for the straight answer, looking his friend in the eye as he said, "Because you trust me, Jim."

Jim's anger faded quickly, and was replaced with confusion. He held Leonard's gaze for a few moments before looking down at his feet. "I saw a picture of the two of us in – well I guess it's my room."

McCoy smiled a little. "Is that what you were after? A little proof?"

"Can you blame me?"

"Well, I can blame you for fracturing your arm."

Jim shrugged.

"The photo is from the academy, a few weeks before the Narada attacks – when you got the Medal of Honor," he clarified, when Jim looked confused.

Jim looked up at him, studying his face. "I just can't remember any of it," he said after a moment.

"I know, kid. But we'll figure this out," McCoy replied with a confidence he didn't feel.

"What if I never remember?"

Leonard felt his chest twist, and figured he would have to get used to the feeling. "Then we'll figure that out, too."

\----------------------------------------------

McCoy had left him alone to read over logs and reports on some of the events that had happened to him over the past six years. It still didn't make sense to him that he wouldn't remember anything, but it was getting harder and harder to deny it. And boy, a lot had happened. Starfleet Academy, the Narada Incident, what happened with Khan (the details on this were weirdly vague – he'd have to ask McCoy about it), Yorktown - and that was just the big stuff.

He heard footsteps and his head snapped up to see who it was.

The Vulcan who had been in McCoy's office and later chased him back to sickbay walked up to his bed and stood silently. Jim didn't offer any conversation, instead waiting for the officer to make the first move.

"I understand that your trip through the ship's Jefferies tubes did not result in any further memory loss," the Vulcan said eventually.

"Yeah, I remember you freaking out perfectly," Jim responded. "You know, for a Vulcan you're a pretty emotional guy, aren't you?" Said Vulcan looked affronted, and Jim just chuckled. "So, I figure we know each other. What do I call you?"

Face carefully blank, his response was: "I am Commander Spock, First Officer of the Enterprise."

Jim nodded. "Alright Spock, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"Pardon?"

"You must be here for some reason. What is it?"

"I... merely came to ascertain your status for myself."

Jim nodded. "Well, I'm intact. My arm's broken – I mean, it was. I've never seen a bone knitter work so fast." And he'd had plenty of experience with them. "Hey – I didn't think about that. There must be all sorts of new tech out there."

Spock considered him for a moment, then said, "When you are well enough to get a tour of the ship, I can show you all of our new systems."

Jim looked him in the eye and replied, "I'd appreciate that."

Just then an attractive blonde-haired nurse walked up to his bed holding a new IV bag. Jim smirked. "Well hello. How come I've never seen you before?" He asked. "I'd much prefer your face over that scruffy looking doctor."

The nurse looked up and raised her eyebrows incredulously before turning to switch the IV. "I'd almost forgotten about this side of him, Spock. What a delight."

"Yes, you are."

She rolled her eyes. "How does your wrist feel?"

"Just fine, thanks." In reality, it was still twinging a bit, but who needed to know about that?

"Right. Let me see it, then."

He held up his hand for the lady, looking into her eyes as she prodded parts of his arm. Then she squeezed right over the break. "Hey! Ow!"

She pursed her lips. "Just as I thought. I'll give you an ice compress soon and we'll do another osteo-stim in a few hours."

Jim scowled. "If you knew it was gonna hurt why bother checking?"

She looked him in the eye. "I've learned that when it comes to you, everything needs double checking. If you're not lying about your health it's not a day that ends in 'y'."

Jim blinked. For a moment, he'd forgotten that everyone around this ship knew him. He felt extremely exposed. Who knew what these people knew about him? He plastered on another smirk. "Gotta love that mouth."

The nurse gave Spock a long-suffering smile.

"Thank you, Nurse Chapel," Spock said to her, and Jim was surprised to hear a note of humor in his voice. Chapel walked off, empty IV in tow.

"She's a bundle of fun," Jim said.

"She is an extremely qualified nurse."

"I don't doubt it." Jim looked up at Spock. He knew the Vulcan had said he was just here to see how he was doing, but he couldn't shake the feeling there was another reason he was here. "So, Spock. How do we know each other? You said you're the First Officer, and I've been told I'm the Captain, so I see that, but to my knowledge Vulcans don't tend to go looking to see how people are doing."

Spock frowned. "I consider you a friend, Jim. And to my knowledge, friends are inclined to ascertain each other's health."

"Well, shit," Jim chuckled. "Gotta give myself credit for this one. You guys aren't too easy to befriend."

"No, we are not."

Jim raised his eyebrows before looking away and clearing his throat. "Right. So, you're sure there's nothing else you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Actually," Spock said after a beat of hesitation, "I do have an option for you to consider. We will have to discuss this more once Doctor McCoy is on duty, but I have a possible solution. At the very least it could clear up any doubts."

He frowned. What was Spock going on about? "Oh, yeah? What's this option you've got for me?"

"I am not sure whether or not you are aware, but Vulcans have certain telepathic abilities."

"I know that."

"Do you know of Vulcans' ability to mind meld?"

Jim shook his head slowly. "Can't say I do. What is it?"

"It is a telepathic link between two minds," Spock explained. "It involves an exchanging of thoughts and a sharing of consciousness. It could help with the retrieval of your memories."

He soaked in it for a moment before saying, "So what you're telling me is that you want to prod around inside my brain?"

"In extremely crude vernacular, yes. Though I must say I would never prod."

"And you're sure this would help?"

"In truth, no. However, the discovery that it would not help would be just as revealing. And I would need your full consent to proceed."

Jim looked at him incredulously. "Then no! Sorry, buddy, but I'm not giving you free reign over my mind on the off chance that it'll bring back some memories. I'm alive right now, I'd like to keep it that way."

Spock's eyes softened. "I understand. I will leave you. I have other work to attend to." He paused. "Please keep this option in consideration, Jim."

Jim didn't respond, and Spock left him alone in sickbay. And for some reason he couldn't explain, Jim couldn't help but feel sad.


	5. Chapter 5

After some well-deserved sleep, McCoy was back in sickbay, checking up on Jim, who was growing more restless by the minute. He had decided that today they would start introducing Jim to the rest of the crew. Jim's conversation with Spock didn't jog any new memories, but either way getting the kid out to see the bridge crew was a good idea.

They would travel up to the bridge together and they were only going to stay an hour. Jim was feeling better, but he didn't want to push his luck and have another broken arm to fix. Also, he assumed that the experience would be a bit overwhelming for the younger man. He was taking everything decently well, considering, and there was no reason to mess with that too much.

Of course, McCoy had plenty of other things to give him anxiety. Starfleet Command had been pestering him for news about Jim. He hadn't given them much so far. Command had never been patient, and if they knew that Jim didn't even remember going to the academy, they wouldn't wait around to put in at least a temporary replacement for Jim. They would probably also insist that he be treated at one of Starfleet's medical facilities. And that wouldn't be a good idea. Jim couldn't be separated from his ship – if anything was going to bring him back, it was being on the Enterprise. And McCoy couldn't be separated from him either. New doctors would be assigned to his case if he was transferred to a base.

Then there was the issue of Spock's offer. The whole idea of mind melding wasn't exactly his cup of tea, but what could he say, it had worked in the past – worked with Jim, even. Those were different circumstances, granted, but what's to say it wouldn't work again? He was pretty willing to entertain some voodoo on the off chance it would save his friend.

He wasn't surprised that Jim wasn't into the idea – the kid kept his secrets close to his chest, and had even more so when he had first started at the Academy.

He sighed and rubbed his eyes. What a clusterfuck.

McCoy got up and walked over to Jim.

"Oy! Don't mess with that wrist – let the thing heal completely, for Christ's sake, and then you can screw around all you want."

Jim gave him an innocent look from his position on the bed, frozen halfway through a pushup. Then he flopped down onto his stomach and moved so that he was sitting upright. "I've really let myself go, haven't I? That was twenty-five pushups and I'm already feeling it."

McCoy rolled his eyes. "First of all, you've been lying in bed for a week now. And second – second, you have let yourself go a bit, you little ingrate. You don't eat your vegetables like I tell you to."

"Whatever, old man. Can we get the hell out of here already? You've been teasing me with this little field trip long enough."

"Quit your griping and follow me," he replied, turning and heading for the exit. "Preferably through the doors and not a Jeffries' Tube."

Jim scowled but followed him out. "You know your bedside manner really sucks."

"So I've been told."

"You never thought about being less of an asshole?"

"Well, it seems to be working out for me pretty well so far." The two of them entered the turbolift, and he called for the bridge.

Jim looked at him for a moment before cracking a grin. "You know, I can see why I like you."

McCoy raised an eyebrow, though inwardly he was happy for what could be progress.

\--------------------------------------------

The doors opened to the bridge, and McCoy exited the lift, Jim following a step behind. He had already briefed the bridge crew on what to expect from Jim, but even still as heads turned he saw smiles on everyone's faces.

"Keptin!" Chekov cried happily.

"Jim!"

"Good to see you on your feet, Captain."

McCoy looked at Jim, who was giving a convincing impression of a smile.

Spock walked over to them, his face not smiling but not emotionless, either. "Welcome back to the bridge, Jim."

Leonard knew that Spock was playing up his human qualities in an effort to connect to Jim, and he was grateful for it. He knew it wasn't easy for the Vulcan to act this way on the bridge in front of subordinates.

Jim was looking over the space, and stepped forwards slowly a few feet, his eyes wide. "This place is awesome. Can I drive?"

"If you remember how to, sir," chuckled Sulu.

Jim raised an eyebrow and sarcastically puffed out his chest a little bit. "'Sir.' I like that."

There was a strange energy around the room. No one knew quite what to say, or how to respond to a Jim that was very much their Jim but very much not.

Jim must have sensed it, too. "Well, this is weird," he quipped. Then he turned and saw Uhura and stepped forwards, frowning. "Wait, I know you!" Leonard's heart skipped a beat, and Nyota's face lit up. "I've definitely hit on you before."

Uhura rolled her eyes, but was grinning. "Once or twice."

Jim smirked. "How far did it get me?"

"As far as to get a punch in the face," Nyota replied, her face considering. "Multiple times. On multiple occasions."

"Yikes. Well, I have been called a persistent little shit."

Leonard walked up to his side, hope springing up. "What do you remember about her? Do you remember meeting?"

Jim frowned, contemplating. "It's more of a feeling. I don't know how to describe it."

"Figures you'd remember the prettiest one of us."

Jim was still frowning, his eyebrows contracting now, like he was in pain.

McCoy put a hand on his shoulder. "Jim, relax. You don't need to stress yourself out trying to figure this out."

Jim flashed him a glare. "Yes, I do! How the hell am I supposed to remember anything if I'm just taking it easy! I lost six years of my life. Six years! And you want me to just sit around and wait? Fuck off!" With that he took off for the turbolift, the doors closing swiftly behind him.

Everyone on the bridge sat in shocked silence for a moment.

"Well, he remembered me. That's good!" Uhura said after a minute.

Spock turned cold eyes on McCoy. "Doctor, may I speak with you alone?"

McCoy nodded, frowning, and followed Spock into the captain's ready room. The door closed behind him, and Spock started speaking immediately.

"Doctor, despite my respect for your practice, I must agree with Jim. He will regain none of his memories if he does not work to remember them. I have been studying similar instances, and in each the patient put significant pressure on themselves to focus on remembering what they had forgotten."

McCoy scowled, his anger coming to the surface. "Spock, it's not –"

"I insist. I will go speak to him again about the mind meld –"

"Spock!" McCoy snapped. "I will not let you coerce him into your Vulcan voodoo! He said no!"

"Now is not the time for your xenophobic tendencies, Doctor."

"Oh, please," Leonard spat. "Don't try and use that on me. I've consented to you melding with Jim in the past. But we've always used it as a last resort. It's risky, Spock! We can't just put both your lives on the line at any chance we get."

Spock's mouth was a tight line. "Nevertheless, we cannot be apathetic towards this problem. I will do what I must."

"Apathetic! What do you think I've been doing in sickbay – sitting with my thumb up my ass? You know I've been working this problem. It sounds to me like you're the one being thoughtless."

"This solution has worked for us in the past," Spock reasoned. "Logic stands that it would work again."

"Lucky! We've been lucky! And every other time you've had to meld with him, he's been comatose – or near enough. This is new ground. You'd be working with a mind that might not even recognize yours. We can't take that risk right now."

Spock still looked like he wanted to argue the point.

"Look, Spock." McCoy took a breath and he took a moment before responding, pushing his pride out the window. "I can't – I can't do this without you on my side. If there's no way we can fix Jim –" his heart broke at the thought, "– I need you there to help me."

The first officer finally relaxed, his face opening up minutely in sympathy. How anyone could say Vulcans couldn't feel...

Spock nodded. "We will do as you wish, and explore all other options before resorting a mind meld."

McCoy sighed. "Thanks, Spock. Now I gotta go track down Jim before he breaks another arm."

\-----------------------------------------------

Jim was in his quarters again, and when McCoy walked in he was looking at the picture of the two of them from the academy.

Jim looked up at the sound of his entrance and put the photo down quickly. "I won't pass out this time, I promise."

McCoy walked up next to him. "I'd believe you except I know you too well. There's nothin' you like to do more than give me a heart attack."

"Listen, I'm sorry for storming out, or whatever, but I'm not just gonna sit around."

"I know. I think if you we're I'd have to check you again for brain damage. It's not in your nature." McCoy gave a small smile. "We're gonna work to figure this out."

The younger man shook his head. "I know this is real, but it's fucking crazy. I mean, isn't my life enough of a shit show?"

"Title of your biography, kid."

Jim huffed a laugh, then turned somber again. "I honestly wish I could remember."

"Well you've got something started – you remembered Uhura."

"Yeah – but I don't really remember anything about her. She's just very familiar."

McCoy shrugged. "That's better than nothing. We'll work with what we've got."

Jim rubbed his face with his palms. "I'm trying so hard to remember. I don't know what to do, Bones."

McCoy froze, his eyes widening.

Jim continued talking. "I mean, I'm not usually a sentimental guy, but if you've known me for this long I'd at least like to know what dirt –"

"What did you call me?"

Jim looked up. "Huh?"

His heart was pounding with excitement. "You called me something just now. What was it?"

He looked confused. "Uh... Bones? I – I don't know –"

"Yes!" McCoy broke out into a smile and grabbed his friend's shoulder. Jim just looked more bewildered. "You're remembering!"

"Bones? Wait – that's – that's not even your name –"

"Yes, it is! Hold onto it, Jim, you've got something!"

Obviously still confused, Jim closed his eyes anyway, his face scrunching up as he tried to think. Suddenly, his face went pale, and his breathing picked up. "Oh, my god." He looked into McCoy's eyes. "I might throw up on you."


	6. Chapter 6

Sure enough, before McCoy could move out of the way, Jim's vomit coated his shoes. And while he'd like to say it was a new sensation, years of medicine and being Jim Kirk's friend had allowed him to be covered in his fair share of the stuff. 

He quickly sat Jim down on the bed with his head between his knees and pulled a painkiller out of his ever-present first aid kit. The kid was still hyperventilating, his face white as a sheet. Leonard put a hand on Jim's back and rubbed circles, contented when he didn't flinch away. 

"It's okay, Jim. Just breathe." 

"My head," Jim groaned. 

"The painkillers will kick in in a minute. Just breathe through it," McCoy soothed. While he obviously didn't like to see Jim in pain, the fact that the kid was openly admitting to it meant that he might be starting to trust him. 

Slowly, Jim got control of his breathing and his heart rate returned to a more normal level, his color returning with it. "God, I haven't had a panic attack like that in –" he suddenly looked up at McCoy. "I – uh..." 

McCoy just looked back. "Believe me, I know. I won't rehash it for you 'cuz I know that wouldn't help your heart rate at the moment, but I know, Jim." 

"Yeah, I know." 

McCoy's eyebrows raised. "Wait – what do you remember?" 

Jim's eyebrows drew together, and he drew a shaky breath. "It’s all confused. I can remember flashes of things, but I have no idea when they were supposed to have happened. I mean, I recognize you now. I know that I know you, and I remember things about you, but I don't really remember anything we've done together." 

He drew back. "Well, that's progress. I won't knock it." He watched as Jim took one final deep breath before sitting upright. 

"Well, maybe it's just a waiting game then. I shouldn't be so dramatic, huh?" 

McCoy rolled his eyes. "Please. Dramatic is your default setting." 

Jim smiled. "Gotta keep it exciting, right?" 

"God, you're insufferable. Now where the hell do you keep shoes around here, this is disgusting." McCoy kicked off his vomit covered sneakers right into the trash. 

"How should I know?" 

Leonard huffed a laugh. "Touche." After a moment of searching, he found a pair of tennis shoes in the closet. "Alright, how are you feeling? I need to break out the good drugs?" 

The younger man stood, wiping his mouth with his hand. He already looked much less anxious, though McCoy couldn't really tell whether it was him genuinely relaxing or just playing it for the cameras. "Nah, I'm good. I'm going back to the bridge." 

"You sure? You could stay here and rest." 

Jim shot him a look. "Yeah, Bones, I'm good. Let's go." 

God was it good to hear that nickname again. "What was I really expecting, I guess. Alright, lead on. Let’s see if you remember the way." 

The two of them ambled back to the turbolift, and in a minute the doors opened on the bridge to another round of smiling faces. 

“Uh, sorry for that little temper tantrum I had earlier,” Jim cracked. “I’ll just be hanging around, I guess.” 

As Jim walked from station to station, saying hi to everyone, McCoy walked back to the science station. 

Spock looked up at his approach, then shot his eyes over to Jim. "How is the captain?" He inquired. 

McCoy noticed that Jim moved around the space more naturally than he had even minutes before. "He's fine - just a little stressed out. But his memory is improving. He just doesn't have things in order." 

"That seems to be a positive progression in any case." 

"Yeah, seems like. We'll see where it goes from here, anyway. But I'm feeling a little more optimistic, I gotta say." 

Jim walked up to the two of them, a smile on his face. "You two talking about me?" 

“Might be,” McCoy replied. “Not everything’s about you, though.” 

Jim shrugged. “I could make a pretty good argument for that.” 

It felt very natural, like everything was normal. So of course everything had to go to shit. 

Suddenly red alert klaxons blared, and the ship rocked. 

"What the hell was that?" McCoy growled, hands fumbling for the rail. 

Spock moved from the science station to command dais to take the chair. Leonard saw him glance briefly at Jim before he snaps, "Lieutenant Sulu, report." 

Sulu replied quickly, "One Klingon War Bird just decloaked in front of us, sir. Their weapons banks are active but steady – looks like that was a warning shot, but it hit near the engineering sector." 

"Ensign Chekov, raise power to forward shields." 

"Aye, sir." 

“Sir, another ship is coming in fast,” Sulu added. 

“The other ship is Orion, not Klingon, sir,” reported Lieutenant Matthews. 

"Understood. Lieutenant Uhura, hail the Klingon ship." 

Uhura's fingers moved across the comms board. "Already done." 

The face of an angry looking Klingon with several facial piercings appeared on the viewscreen. 

“This is Captain Spock. To whom am I speaking?” 

McCoy was sure he wasn’t the only one who thought it was weird to hear Spock say that with Jim in the room. 

"Enterprise. We have you outmatched. Hand over your captain – your real captain – and there will be no need for hostilities.” 

McCoy shot a look at Jim, who was still standing next to him by the science station. His brow was furrowed. 

Spock sat forward in the chair. “That is unacceptable. Also know that you are currently in Federation space, and have violated the terms of the Klingon-Federation agreement by firing on our ship. May I suggest a meeting in a more neutral location where you can explain your motives?” 

The Klingon growled, “There is nothing to explain. Send us Captain Kirk or prepare to be attacked. You have ten minutes.” 

“Well, at least he’s giving us advance notice,” Jim said dryly. Spock turned back to look at Jim, his gaze level. 

“What are they trying here?” Uhura asked. 

“With the presence of both Orian and Klingon ships, I assume that this is not sanctioned by the Klingon Empire,” Spock replied. 

Sulu nodded. “It’s a targeted hit on Captain Kirk. Must be.” 

“Hey, can we at least pretend like I’m in the room?” Jim stepped forwards. “Obviously what happens next affects me. Now, why the hell would they be after me?” 

“Who can say?” McCoy replied. “You’ve made enough enemies over the years to make a Tellarite jealous.” 

“Well, whatever they want, if I go over there, I’m thinking it’s not gonna end so pretty for me.” 

“The probability of your death is over 80 percent,” Spock agreed. 

“You’re not going over there, Jim.” McCoy added. 

“Yeah, I’d like to stay alive, thanks.” 

“Any hope of getting the hell out of this area?” McCoy scowled. “I'm all for just moving away as quick as we can.” 

“We could’ve outmaneuvered the War Bird but with the Orion cruiser I can’t say we’d make it out unscathed,” Sulu replied. “They’re fast and powerful.” 

Jim realized that everyone was turned towards him. “Woah, what’s everyone looking at me for?” 

Everyone looked away very quickly. McCoy would’ve given anything to have their Jim back in this moment. He would’ve already thought of something crazy to get them out of here. Not that Jim hadn’t been full of crazy ideas before he joined the academy, but that was where he learned to focus them. This Jim was all false confidence with nothing to back it up. He might have some memories back, but he wasn’t all there just yet. 

“Three of the ten minutes we were given have expired,” Spock cut in. “Lieutenant Uhura, tell Lieutenant Commander Scott to prepare engines for warp. Ensign Chekov, commence a ship-wide broadcast to lock down stations.” 

“Aye, sir!” They scrambled to their stations and prepared for the assault. 

Jim looked over at McCoy, eyes wide. “I’m sorry, I don’t -” 

McCoy put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s fine, Jim. Let’s just ride this out.” 

There was a whistle from the comms, and Scotty’s voice came over the bridge. “Sir, it’s lookin’ like the shot that knocked us around down here has messed with the warp coils!” 

“Define ‘messed with’ Lieutenant Commander,” Spock replied. 

“I think it was less of a shot an’ more of an electrical pulse, sir! Two of the five coils are fried.” 

“What power does this give us?” 

“We’ll be able to get moving once I disconnect the bad coils from the circuit, but I’ll need a bit o’ time! We won’t have full power after, mind you. I can get her to warp 1, maybe warp 2 with some magic on our side.” 

Spock nodded. “Work quickly, and divert all unnecessary power to shields. We will hold off their attack until we can achieve warp.” 

This was looking less and less optimistic. 

Jim was back to scowling, and he turned back to the viewscreen. “Wait...” 

“What is it?” McCoy frowned. 

Jim rubbed at his chin. “There was something – we were fighting Klingons.” 

McCoy nodded, scoffing. “Shockingly this isn’t the first time we’ve run across them, yeah.” 

He shook his head. “No, I don’t - God, this is annoying. Like reading a book with half the pages missing.” 

McCoy’s comm went off, and he checked it. Someone from engineering was coming in with second-degree burns to the chest and arms. “Jim, I have to go. You –” 

Suddenly the ship rocked again, and more warning lights were flashing. 

“Shots to the starboard side, sir!” 

McCoy ran for the turbolift, shifting to keep his footing. He had to get down to medical, where he actually knew how to help. He felt like a sitting duck up here. “Jim, you coming or staying? You’ve got two seconds to decide!” 

“I’m staying here!” 

McCoy nodded. He was still worried about the kid, but he had a job to do, and there wasn’t really a safer place on the ship than the bridge. He walked into the turbolift and headed for sickbay, taking in his last glance of the bridge before the doors closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol sorry I've gone so long without adding to this since I only write when I'm feeling it but let me know y'alls thoughts!


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